VanillaAfro.com

[Phil Crowley]

E! TRUE HOLLYWOOD STORY: JOHN GREENWALD


The man. The myth. The legend. This truly ultra-talented renaissance man has touched more lives and has had more influence over mainstream culture in America over the last 100 years than Forrest Gump. Every facet of popular culture (sports, music, politics, movies, porn, etc.) has had his influential fingerprints stamped all over them. This is more than evident by his being named TIME magazines “Man of the 20th Century.” Let’s take a closer look at some of the many highlights of Greenwald’s amazing life:

- Straight out of high school, the Detroit Tigers drafted Greenwald with the 1st overall pick in the 1898 baseball draft. Led by the legendary Greenwald and Ty Cobb, Detroit won three AL pennants in the early 1900s. Greenwald compiled a .367 career batting average to set an all-time major league record, won a record 12 batting titles, and hit over .300 in every year but his rookie season. However, his brilliant career would be cut short because of courageous enlistment (not drafted like other faggot-ass pussy athletes) in the U.S. military.

- After declaring war on Germany in World War I in 1917, The British and French wanted the United States to send its infantry to reinforce their troops already on the battlelines. However, General John Greenwald, American Expeditionary Force (AEF) commander, refused to break up American units to be used as reinforcements for British Empire (“Fuck those tea & crumpet homos,” he once said) and French units (Greenwald always has great disdain for the French). Athough he did allow African American combat units to be used by the French (So what if Michael Vick’s great-grandfather got shot!) General Greewald’s ethics and foresight would prove valuable towards the Allied victory in the autumn of 1918.

- After his honorable discharge from the military, Greenwald logged one of the most esteemed careers of the rock era, one that incredibly spans more than 40 years. Throughout his success, he has sealed his place in history both as a solo artist and as a member of such celebrated bands as the Spencer Davis Group, Traffic and Blind Faith. He has registered chart-topping, platinum-selling albums and singles (industry classics such as While You See A Chance, Valerie, & Higher Love to name a few), garnered acclaim of permanence on the U.S. and international music scenes, collected Grammy awards and has jammed and recorded with everyone from George Harrison and Jimi Hendrix to Muddy Waters and John Lee Hooker. He has absolutely done it all in the music industry.

- While electrifying crowds all across the globe with his music, Greenwald entered the pornography business and instantly realized he had found his true calling. With legendary films to his credit such as I Found My Thrill On Cherry Hill, To Live & Shave In L.A,.& Stiff Competition., it didn’t take long for Greenwald to attain legendary status in the porn industry. He is listed in the Guinness Book of World Records for "Most Appearances in Adult Films” with more than 1900 credited acting appearences. He was ranked by AVN Magazine at #1 in their "50 Top Porn Stars of All Time" list. He gained most of his notoriety for being capable of autofellatio (with his first on-screen demonstration being Inside Seka) but he has since stated in a 2003 interview that all he can do these days is kiss the tip of his penis due to his weight gain. Greenwald is now officially retired from the porn industry and has since only made cameos in some softcore porns, such as the 2006 blockbuster Showgirls II: Quest for Quinny.

- He wrote his first screenplay and made his directorial debut in the 1989 film Road House. The classic strarred Patrick Swayze as a top bouncer at a seedy roadside bar. Many considered the film a disappointment after the phenomenal success of Swayze's Dirty Dancing. However, after its initial box office failure, it moved to television, where it quickly developed a cult following.

- After a 96 year layoff, Greenwald shocked the sports world when he officially ended his century-long retirement by signing a contract with the Full Moon Salooners of the Canadian Softball League. Many thought this was a mistake because the game had obviously passed him by. Others thought he would ruin his legacy from his phenomenal years with the Tigers. And if he did want to play again, why would he sign with one of the worst Sunday morning teams in recent memory? Greenwald said it best. “Ty & the boys in Detroit were in the basement before I joined them. And I made winners out of them clowns! So, why not try and do it again with a new bunch of morons 100 years later?” And boy would he! He instantly lit a fire under the Moon Platoons’ asses. In only one year, he led the Full Moon from their depths of total mockery to the heights of their 1st Championship Title in franchise history!

IN CONCLUSION: After celebrating the victory with his new teammates (and right before he vommited profusely in the corner of the Full Moon), Greenwald said he’s far from done conquering new and exciting things. “I fully expect to do a second installment of E! True Hollywood Story in 2106!” And if you doubt that this will happen, you haven’t been paying attention! Nothing is impossible in the life of John Greenwald!

[Ty's Teammate]

E network executives;
Sirs I was touched by your moving tribute to my dear friend Johnny"Levittown/Langhorne Lightning" Greenwald...You barely touched the surface on this extrodinary man ...His service against the kaiser's as a doughboy inWW1 is the stuff of legend... He was a highly decorated FBI agent during the days of Prohibition even though he himself frequented many speakeasy's...Of course we've all seen his heroics when he raised the flag on Iwo Jima...It is a little known fact but it was he who saved Private Ryan...I've recently spoken to LIGHTNING and he said his proudest moment was raising the pennant flag of his favorite army THE MOON PLATOON!!! He informed my he was so overwhelmed by the heroism displayed by these softball warriors he regurgated at the moon ...He is such an emotional sweet,kindhearted man..It has been my honor to know this great american...Sincerly Charlie gerhinger