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[The Rite Aid Renegade]

The recent post about the wonderful John "Jack" Cranage Jr. got me to thinking about all the things that make the neighborhood that our favorite barkeep grew up in great! Here is my top 7 list (because the piece of shit, garbage neighborhood doesn’t deserve a top 10 list!):

7.) Meeting Justin “Rock” Clark. No man in Rhawnhurst history has risen higher than Justin! Unfortunately, when he gets to the top, he continues not to jump! (Just kidding! I’m not like every other Rhawnhurst scumbag who constantly makes suicide jokes about Rock in order to make themselves feel better about their worthless Rhawnhurst lives!)

6.) Mario’s Full Moon Saloon: A pathetically owned and run establishment with no drink specials or even remotely good looking girls. The place is constantly filled with the oldest and ugliest sons of bitches you could even fathom. But they do reluctantly sponsor our softball team and have a fantastic Sunday morning bartender; so this alone makes it a great bar to get angrily tanked up in and start throwing bottles at some kike that resembles Max Weinberg.

5.) Going to the Rhawnhurst Café. To loosely quote Chris Kiefer, “There is nothing better than going to the Café and seeing a bunch of overweight Rhawnhurst coaches in their tight jeans talking about Judge football!” Not to mention a lot of these conversations happen at like 1:00 in the afternoon, right after they have just cashed their workmen’s comp checks!

4.) Being a young and innocent alter boy at Resurrection, specifically during the Reign of Molesting Terror led the infamous Father Brennen. I, unfortunately, did not get the chance to see or swallow this glorious side of Rhawnhurst.

3.) Having the utmost privilege of being taught by one Mr. DiCicco. Whether it was his often imitated, never duplicated tone of voice, his patent chalk board guest speakers, his interchangeable wardrobe with his huge-cunted wife (who also taught at the institution), or his constant harassment of pure 7th grade girls; Mr. DiCicco is quite simply a Rhawnhurst-area Teaching Legend. (Also, a select few have had the unforgettable opportunity of smelling his wonderful aroma on the basketball court).

2.) Obviously, the constant contact of any individual living in the Rhawnhurst area with the man simply known as “Fat Jack!” For some, their earliest memories of Sant Claus are that of their dirtbag fathers & whore mothers taking them to the Full Moon and sitting on a heavily intoxicated Ol’ St. Jack’s lap. Then they reach the age of 9 and are taught the fundamentals of basketball by a man who is not and was never built like your typical small forward. But his Sunday morning breath is similar to that of a heavily drunk, coked-up Len Bias, may he rest in peace. And then they reach the age of like 15 or 16 and get served their first alcoholic drink by Uncle Jack, a true believer of bartending ethics. This doesn’t even mention the never-ending guidance a Rhawnhurst youth receives from every day encounters with the Large Legend. Basically, all of us young Rhawnhurstians’ lives are not just touched, but completely molded by this man. All who come in contact with him are destined to be divorced, alcoholic workmens-compers! John “Jack” Cranage Jr. is truly the “Mayor of Rhawnhurst!”

1.) And finally, saving enough money to move as far away from this absolute hell-hole of a NE neighborhood as possible!

[tqatsju]

crazy larry, he walks the streets of Rhawnhurst protecting us from harm, theft, lepersy, and possibly even rape....ok he indulges in the occasional rape in pennypack every 2 weeks but give the guy a break.

[The Renegade]

How could I forget about Larry? The man walks more than Moses, but still hasn't lost an ounce in 20 years! Also, what about Barry. Most of the curse words I am now proficient at spatting I learned from Barry when I was about 12 years old. I still even, from time to time, drive past the Hair Perfection area where this absolute horror of a human being resides, and scream obsentities out the window at him just to see him get so worked up! Thanks Quinny for reminding me about some of the "friendly" nomads of the Rhawnhurst area because no true Rhawnhurst list is complete without them!

[CK1]

Although this doesn't have anything to do with growing up in Rhawnhurst, let's not forget about an up-and-coming, nameless wanderer who covers every inch of Rhawn Street from Castor to the Boulevard with swagger in his step. While we're on this subject, this man deserves a name. I tentatively call him "Black", and I'll tell you why. I think this name is appropriate because I originally wanted to call him "Black and Blue" on account of his having blue hair and on account of him being the only brother in Rhawnhurst wandering. Since "Blue" was already used in a movie we all know and love and would be somewhat cleshay, I think he should be known simply as "Black."

That may be too broad of a name, but I still like it. If anyone has any suggestions, please feel free to chime in. Perhaps after we have a few nominees, we can take a vote. Since the Rite Aid Renegade had an extensive encounter with him on one Full Moon Sunday Afternoon, perhaps he might have a suggestion. This up-and-coming wanderer has gone unrecognized long enough.

[Garry Maddox]

I believe CK1 is describing me, Garry Maddox. And yes, I do have internet access. I was purchased a laptop by my good friend, the Gin Man.

[The Renegade]

Yeah... that who I thought Chris was talking about. I didn't know that clown had blue hair. But, thanks for chimming in Mr. Maddox to clear that up.

[Da Gin Man]

How You be mixing me in wit a crazy cat like black when me gots mad loot from dats lottery????

[Dennis Elmer]

Yo Gin Man: I don't care how much money you won from the lottery, you'll be trading pastries and danishes for bankers club gin and busch pounders in no time!